St Madman's
by Liquinn
Summary: Witch Weekly want to help Gilderoy Lockhart regain his memory. Ok, so they may be ever so slightly more delusional than him, but it couldn't hurt to try, right? Please review :D
1. Default Chapter

St Madman's  
  
Chapter one  
  
Rita Skeeter had been working for Witch Weekly for about three months. They had taken her on grudgingly, simply because she was a recognised name and could write a half-decent article. So far she had only been given minor jobs, and had recently been asked to investigate into ex-celeb's; a sort of 'where are they now?' type thing. That morning her editor, Emmeline Emery had called Rita in to speak to her. Rita despised the woman, who always wore varying shades of brown- very off-putting- but nevertheless fixed a dazzling smile on her face and strode into her office.  
  
Rita stormed out about ten minutes later, her face twisted with rage and her hands fisted at her sides. She reached her desk and promptly threw her numerous stacks of paper onto the floor and proceeded to jump on them. Having exorcised the majority of her anger she picked up the papers, dumping them carelessly back on her desk and threw herself down in her chair, chewing absent-mindedly on an acid-green quill.  
  
Not him, anyone but him! He had been an egotistical moron when she had known him back in Hogwarts, and it was unlikely that he had changed much. She had avoided him as much as possible over the years, but now... now it looked like she wouldn't have much choice but to spend a lot of time with him. She had practically begged her editor to choose someone else for the task, but Emmeline had pointed out that there was nobody else willing to take it up- and Rita really was in need of a job, wasn't she?  
  
But really, Gilderoy Lockhart! I mean, everyone _knew_ where he was anyway; stuck in St Mungo's without any knowledge of who he was. Moron. Emmeline seemed to think that if he were exposed to some of the people he once knew, and told of the things he had done, perhaps he might start to gain his memory back? It sounded bloody stupid to Rita, but she knew there was no point in arguing.  
  
It turned out that Emmeline had already contacted St Mungo's and told them of her idea. They had been more than a little reluctant to let him out at first, but having been assured that he would be staying with a responsible, and very sensible member of Witch Weekly's team, St Mungo's had finally agreed. Rita was sure that it had nothing whatsoever to do with a modest donation made by the magazine. Of course not.

It was about a week later and Rita had just arrived at St Mungo's ready to collect her charge. It would be an understatement to say that she wasn't happy about it. She still didn't see why he had to live with her but at least it gave her a couple of months free from work. St Mungo's had insisted on Lockhart having constant company, which meant that she would have to baby-sit him the whole time he was with her.  
  
She arrived early to collect him, and was shown to his ward. He smiled vaguely as she walked in and it was clear that he had no idea who she was. She fixed him with her glossiest smile and walked forwards, offering her hand to him.  
  
"Good morning Gilderoy, may I call you Gilderoy? Smashing. I'm Rita Skeeter, we used to be acquainted though I don't believe you remember. We spoke a few days ago, I represent Witch Weekly, you're going to be staying with me for a few weeks." All this was spoken with barely a pause, and Rita stood staring unblinkingly at him, flashing her gold teeth in an enormous artificial grin. If Gilderoy found any of this slightly disconcerting, he didn't let it show. He took her hand uncertainly, then began shaking it vigorously.  
  
"Yes, of course, lovely to meet you. I must say though, that outfit clashes terribly with my hair," he said, eyeing her vibrant purple jacket "I don't suppose you could see your way to changing it? Or at least altering the shade a little, perhaps lilac? It goes splendidly with my eyes, so they tell me."  
  
Rita's grin wavered a little, but she rallied magnificently. "Oh you always were a tease. Come along now, we should get back to my flat so that we can get you all settled in," she said, taking his arm and leading him firmly towards the door.  
  
The healer followed them nervously, reiterating the fact that he mustn't be allowed a wand, mustn't be left alone in a strange place, mustn't be exposed to too much magic, mustn't eat celery, the list went on and on.  
  
Rita nodded, struggling to pay attention as every time they met another person in the corridor, Gilderoy insisted on stopping to speak to them.  
  
"Hello, have you heard of me? Apparently, I'm quite famous you know, or at least I was. Would you like a signed photo?"  
  
To Rita's distress, a lot of the people he stopped accepted his offer, so all in all it took them about forty minutes to make their way from his ward to the exit of St Mungo's.  
  
Rita didn't live far from St Mungo's so she decided to use Muggle transport to get there with Gilderoy, as she couldn't very well Apparate. This turned out to be a nightmare as Gilderoy wanted to examine everything around him in detail. He tripped up the steps onto the bus, and then almost got trapped in the door as it snapped shut. He sat in his seat with an amused expression on his face, intently reading the adverts above the windows.  
  
They reached their stop about ten minutes later and Rita had to pry Gilderoy out of his seat, practically dragging him towards the exit of the bus. They stepped off with Rita clutching his bags in one hand and his arm in the other. He stood and stared around him, watching cars moving along the busy street and birds wheeling and shrieking overhead.  
  
"My flat is only a couple of streets away," she said briskly, and he turned to her grinning inanely.  
  
"Marvelous," he said, striding off along the pavement. She hurried to catch up with him, grabbing hold of his cloak.  
  
"No no, it's this way," she said in an aggravated tone, pulling him along behind her. He complied, simply allowing himself to be guided by her. They reached her building after about five minutes walking and much inspection of drains, lampposts, railings, crisp packets, and other such mundane items. She took her key out of her pocket and opened the door, motioning for him to follow.

They climbed the three flights of stairs to her flat, as the lift was currently out of order and arrived, breathless outside her door. It was an inconspicuous dark blue with a polished brass number '6' on it. Rita unlocked the door and pushed it open, ushering Gilderoy inside ahead of her and following quickly, shutting the door behind them.  
  
Her flat was fairly large; she had bought it whilst still working for the Prophet. They were standing in a large living room with several squashy- looking sofas, a glass coffee table, and a magnificent fireplace, that looked quite out of place in the modern room. Despite Rita's obvious expensive taste, she appeared to have very bad taste in decorating. The walls were an insipid yellow, contrasting horribly with the orange and pale- blue striped sofas. The drapes at the windows were long and heavy, falling from ceiling to floor and were made of a rich, deep blue velvet.  
  
Rita directed Gilderoy towards one of the squashy sofas, disappearing for a moment into one of the other rooms to deposit his bags and returning a moment later.  
  
"So," she said brightly "Can I get you anything?"

It was early evening and the last threads of orangey sunlight filtered in, bathing the room in a sunset glow. Rita and Gilderoy sat on one of the sofas with several photograph albums spread around them. They were currently looking through Rita's photos from their last few days at Hogwarts.  
  
In one particular photo, they both stood with a group of friends, shirts loose and black-and-yellow-striped ties undone and hanging limply from their necks. Rita and Gilderoy were at opposite sides of the image and kept shooting each other glares in between flashing dazzling grins at the camera.  
  
Rita laughed at the others in the photo pouting or giggling and poking each other good-naturedly, however Gilderoy just looked down at it with a somewhat forlorn look on his face.  
  
Suddenly, Rita was struck by just how alone he was. All his memories, all the people he had known, all torn away. She almost found herself feeling sorry for him, as he excused himself a few minutes later and went into his room. Almost that is, until he came out again straightaway demanding that she swap rooms with him, as hers was larger and he was tired of sleeping in a tiny single bed, and hers was a double.  
  
Resisting the urge to throw one of her expensive- yet somewhat tasteless- vases at him, she just buried her face in her hands. _Why me?_ She thought _what have I done to deserve this?_ Unfortunately her conscience picked that moment to intervene, _Well there was that business with Harry Potter, and all the other stories before that_, it suggested _Oh alright _she snapped. _I was only saying._  
  
She was snapped out of her reverie as she heard an enormous crash from the kitchen, and ran to investigate what Gilderoy had done this time. She would be glad when this was all over and her report finished. Very glad. 


	2. St Madman's

St Madman's  
  
Chapter two  
  
It was a bright Tuesday morning in early May. Rita Skeeter awoke with an un- placed feeling of dread. She slowly opened her eyes and glanced around the dimly lit room. Hmmm, nothing wrong here. She staggered out of bed, shuffling into her pink, fluffy slippers, and pulling a dressing gown on over her old, worn T-shirt.  
  
She walked out of her bedroom and into the corridor that led down to her living room. She still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. As she approached the kitchen, and heard a somewhat pleasant baritone singing along to the wizard's wireless, she wondered briefly if she'd been very drunk the night before, but dismissed this.  
  
Then suddenly, she remembered. Gilderoy Lockhart was here. And at the moment he was in her kitchen. Rita just hoped he was decent. She continued along the corridor and then walked into the kitchen. She was met with the sight of Gilderoy wearing a lilac pair of silk pyjamas and dancing on one of her kitchen stools, the radio in one hand, and a cucumber in the other, eyes closed, singing into said cucumber at the top of his voice.  
  
Rita scowled, then strode over to the wall, yanking the plug out of the socket and causing the sound emitting from the radio to cease abruptly. It took a few more seconds for Gilderoy to realise that he was singing unaccompanied. He lowered both hands and turned carefully on the stool to face her. Most people at this point would at least have looked a little sheepish, but not Gilderoy.  
  
"Good morning!" he called down to her, brandishing the cucumber. "Would you like to dance?" he asked, grinning.  
  
She fought the temptation to smile at him and instead snatched the cucumber out of his hand, waving it under his nose threateningly.  
  
"I hope you realise that I can send you back to that place any time I choose," she said coldly, "so you'd just better stop behaving like a prat."  
  
He climbed off the stool and nodded. "My apologies. It won't happen again," he said solemnly, placing the radio on the worktop and wandering off into the living room.  
  
She sighed, running her hand through her tangled hair and looking around the kitchen. _He_ has _been stuck in that place for three years_, she thought to herself, walking over to the worktop and making some toast for herself.  
  
Just then she heard a massive thump, followed by a groan. She walked quickly into the living room and found Gilderoy sprawled in the middle of the floor, looking up at her with an irritated expression on his face.  
  
"What on earth did you do this time?" she asked him incredulously.  
  
He sniffed, adopting a haughty expression, which looked absolutely ridiculous when he was still tangled in a heap on her living room floor.  
  
"I was _trying_ to... uh..." he began.  
  
"Never mind," she said, holding up her hands, "I don't think I want to know. Just get up and we can have some breakfast."  
  
He looked as if he were about to argue, but instead nodded and stood up, following her into the little kitchen. She had already discovered that Gilderoy was the most accident-prone man she'd ever met. He'd probably tripped over his own foot. Moron.

They sat at the little wooden table in the kitchen munching their toast. Rita was leafing through that morning's Daily Prophet, and Gilderoy was listening to the Wizard's Wireless, after assuring Rita that there would be no more dancing. She surprised him with a question.  
  
"Do you really not remember anything?"  
  
"No, not really," he said, looking down at his toast. "Some things I think seem familiar, but I can't tell what's a memory, and what I've been told about."  
  
She nodded "Would you like to go out today? It might do you good, to get out and see things."  
  
"Oh yes, if it's not too much trouble to you," he replied. She wondered briefly how often he would have worried about something like that before he lost his memory.  
  
"I'll go and get dressed then. There are spare towels in the bathroom for you," she said, ambling off in the direction of her bedroom.  
  
Gilderoy sighed and reached over to turn off the radio when a familiar name caught his attention.  
  
_...believed that Harry Potter was involved, along with several other students from Hogwarts. Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge, after having denied the Dark Lord's return for a year, has now confirmed the rumour to be true. Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, who has supported Harry Potter in his claims of the Dark Lord's return, was unavailable for comment...  
_  
Harry Potter. He was sure that name meant something. He just couldn't remember what.Rita and Gilderoy walked arm in arm along the quiet streets. The intimacy of this was merely to prevent him from wandering off without Rita noticing. That would not go down well with St Mungo's.  
  
They strolled along in amiable silence, Gilderoy occasionally pointing at things, or stopping to stare in wonder at others, Rita clicking along in her ridiculous heels and tutting every time he stopped. She made a mental note to put a tracking charm on him the next time they went out somewhere.  
  
It was sort of endearing in a way, he was just like a child. Rita found herself becoming less exasperated by his interest in everything around them, and started to find it amusing. That is, until he wandered in front of a truck. She performed a quick "Accio Gilderoy," her wand concealed in her jacket sleeve, and hoped nobody noticed the way he suddenly jerked backwards out of the road.  
  
Fearing for a repeat of the truck incident, she steered their direction to that of the local park. When they arrived at the wrought iron gates, they could hear the sound of children running and screaming, completely immersed in whatever games they were playing. Birds sang in the trees, and young couples ambled along, hand in hand.  
  
_Oh great_, thought Rita. _We look like a couple. I only hope I don't meet anyone I know.  
_  
Once inside the park, Gilderoy was in his element. He made a point of speaking to everyone he could.  
  
"Good day ladies, would any of you like a signed photo of me?" he asked of a group of giggling middle-aged women. Rita rolled her eyes, his smile wasn't that great, no matter what all those bimbos at Witch Weekly seemed to think.  
  
_Although there was a time_, she thought to herself _when you wouldn't have minded that smile being directed at you.  
_  
_Shut up,_ she snapped, _that was a long time ago, I was a confused teenager, we all make mistakes.  
_  
_Suit yourself,_ continued her inner bitch_, but I don't think he should have gotten away with that.  
_  
Rita sighed, sitting heavily on a wooden park bench. Gilderoy had now turned his attention to an ant's nest and was poking it with a stick. She closed her eyes and thought back to her final year at Hogwarts.It was mid-June and Rita was sitting by the lake with some friends from her house. They were half-heartedly quizzing each other for their potions exam whilst watching a nearby group of boys. The boys were throwing and catching a ball between them and were joined after a few minutes by a tall, blond- haired boy wearing a huge grin on his face.  
  
They welcomed him over and one of them tossed the ball to him laughing. The girls watched them fixedly, their study notes forgotten. They were gazing at the newest arrival, giggling as he laughed with the other boys, or casually flicked a few stray locks of hair out of his eyes.  
  
Rita usually found it irritating when her friends behaved like this, but oddly found herself doing the same. She could not seem to take her eyes off Gilderoy Lockhart. Normally she would never allow herself to behave so foolishly, she was always more interested in what other people were getting up to, being one of the biggest gossips in the entire school.  
  
Her heart skipped a beat as she looked over again and Gilderoy's gaze met hers. He smiled dazzlingly and then turned back to his friends, laughing. She was pulled out of her reverie when a friend tossed a textbook at her. It hit her arm and she sat up scowling and rubbing her elbow.  
  
"What were you staring at Rita?" asked her friend Marie. "I was calling your name for a full minute."  
  
Rita just shrugged, figuring the truth would be easier. "Only Gilderoy." The other girls nodded at this, after all, they had all been doing the same. _Perhaps he wasn't even smiling at you_, she thought _after all, why would he look at you?_  
  
About a week later, Rita finally plucked up the courage to speak to Gilderoy. She had been in his house for seven years, and barely ever spoken to him other than to ask for a quill or for him to pass the pumpkin juice. And after all, even if he snubbed her, it wasn't like she was going to see him again once term ended.  
  
"Uhm... Gilderoy?" said Rita, nervously.  
  
He turned around to face her, eyeing her straggly hair and braces which were displayed in her nervous smile.  
  
"Yes?" he said condescendingly.  
  
"Well, I..." she took a deep breath, "I was just wondering if maybe you'd like to do something, sometime. With me."  
  
She looked up at him and was horrified to see him sneering down at her.  
  
"Me? Go out with you?" he laughed. "You must be joking. I'm the handsomest student in our house, I know what everyone says about me," he said, flicking his hair. "And you, you are just an unremarkable gossip-monger."  
  
With that he turned and strode over to a group of seventh-year boys standing by the doors to the Great Hall. They muttered amongst themselves and then suddenly burst out laughing, one or two of them glancing sidelong at Rita.  
  
Her eyes brimmed with tears and she turned quickly, fleeing out of the door and running down the front steps. She didn't stop running until she reached the edge of the lake where she flung herself down on the grass and sobbed into her robes. Since that day she had never cried again.Her cheeks burned as she thought back to that day, the humiliation of the boys all laughing at her, the shock at seeing that cruel glint in Gilderoy's eyes. She snapped her head up and saw him crouching over a clump of pansies, attempting to catch a butterfly in his hands.  
  
She shook her head. There was no point dwelling in the past. Although, that didn't mean she couldn't still get her revenge. He may not remember what he had done, but he had still done it, and that was what mattered. Yes, she would get him back alright. Her inner voice muttered something along the lines of _not another of your ideas..._but she quashed it before she lost her determination.  
  
She stood up and called to Gilderoy, grinning at the idea that was forming itself in her mind. Oh she would get him back alright. Nobody made a fool of Rita Skeeter and got away with it forever. 


	3. St Madman's

St Madman's  
  
Chapter three  
  
Gilderoy and Rita returned to her flat about an hour later. Rita left Gilderoy in the living room while she went into the kitchen to begin preparing dinner. She came back in about ten minutes later to find him staring thoughtfully at her bookcase. Oh... she'd forgotten about the books. About three years previously, her mother had given her a set of Gilderoy's books for Christmas, under the strange impression that Rita must like him, given that they knew each other at Hogwarts. Rita had never read them; they had been dumped on her bookshelf and then very deliberately ignored.  
  
She sighed. "Gilderoy?" she said gently.  
  
"Are these... mine?" he said, without turning around.  
  
"Yes. You wrote them all."  
  
"I don't remember..." he said softly, sounding more forlorn than she had ever heard him.  
  
He reached out and picked up her copy of 'Gadding with Ghouls'. She watched as he ran his hand across the front cover from which he was smiling up at himself and winking. He walked over to one of the tasteless orange sofas and sat down slowly, opening the book and beginning to read it.  
  
She watched him, concerned. _You daft cow Rita_, commented her inner bitch, _it'll be your fault if he flips out after seeing those books_. She scowled, pushing the thoughts down and striding into the kitchen to finish preparing dinner.

-----

She hummed to herself as she bustled around the little kitchen, flicking her wand here and there, peeling potatoes, slicing chicken, and washing dirty dishes. She set the timer on the oven and wandered back into the living room. Gilderoy was still sitting on the sofa, engrossed in the book he had taken from the shelf.  
  
"Gilderoy..." she said softly  
  
He looked up at her, his eyes were full of confusion. "I didn't do this," he said.  
  
She frowned. "What do you mean? Didn't do what?"  
  
"Any of this," he said, holding up the book.  
  
Suddenly he leapt up from the sofa and raced over to the bookcase and began pulling volumes off the shelves. He bundled them in his arms and threw them down on the sofa, then seized a book from the pile, 'Travels with Trolls' this time, and stood by the edge the sofa, frantically rustling through its pages.  
  
"I didn't do this!" he shouted. Rita took a step back in alarm. _You've done it now_, muttered her inner bitch smugly.  
  
Unsure of how to react, she rushed forwards and grabbed 'Magical Me' out of his hands. He looked up at her, his eyes wide and full of confusion. Before she knew what was happening, he had placed his hands on her shoulders and was kissing her fervently. She froze for a moment, then felt herself falling into the kiss as his arms tightened around her. One hand snaked down her back and the other reached up to loosen her hair her hair as he kissed her more deeply.  
  
_What the hell are you doing?_ She screamed at herself, and was suddenly aware of what was happening. She pulled away abruptly, her lips still tingling. She couldn't remember ever having been kissed like that. She looked up and met Gilderoy's eyes. He was staring at her like he'd never seen her before.  
  
"I... I'm so sorry," he said falteringly, "I don't know what came over me."  
  
She shook her head, trying to clear from her mind the feeling of his lips on hers.  
  
"Don't worry about it," she said, turning away from him, "It was just a mistake. Let's just forget it."  
  
She took a step away from him and then walked off into the kitchen, where the oven had just started beeping in a cheery sort of way that promised it wasn't going to stop until someone made it.  
  
When she stepped into the kitchen, she walked over to the oven and smacked a button at the top, causing it to stop beeping. She then grabbed the oven gloves from the worktop and carelessly pulled open the door to the oven, reaching inside and removing the tray. The food wasn't quite cooked so she placed the tray back in the oven, slamming the door shut and throwing the oven gloves down on the worktop.  
  
She leaned against the worktop and buried her face in her hands. _What the hell had just happened?_ She thought to herself.  
  
_You know perfectly well what just happened,_ replied another voice.  
  
_Oh god, not you again,_ she thought, slamming her hands down on the worktop in annoyance.  
  
_Yes, me_, said her inner bitch,_ what happened to getting him back? You're supposed to be getting revenge, not trying to get in his trousers!_  
  
_I was not trying to get in his trousers!_ She thought angrily.  
  
If the voice had been more substantial than a voice, it would have rolled its eyes. _Oh, because you put up so much of a fight. Face it, you enjoyed it._  
  
Rita opened her eyes. Oh God, she really had hadn't she? _No_, she thought quickly, _anyway, it isn't important. I'll go through with the plan, and then he'll go back to St Mungo's, and that will be the end of it._  
  
_That's right,_ said the other voice again, always one to have the last word, _you just keep telling yourself that._

-----

Rita woke up with a blinding headache and an overpowering urge to stick her head in a toilet. She looked around her, trying to assess the situation. She was in bed, and she was alone. That was a good sign at least. Well, she was obviously hung-over, but why? She got up, clutching her head and groaning. Why did she have to go and do this to herself?  
  
She staggered out of her bedroom, then along the corridor to the bathroom. A couple of minutes later she staggered back along the corridor and into her living room. She let out a huge sigh at the numerous bottles and empty glasses that adorned every surface. Surely she couldn't have drunk that much herself?  
  
Oh wait... _him_. She dropped onto one of the sofas, shoving aside an empty bottle and a slightly tattered-looking copy of 'Magical Me' and put her head in her hands. _Oh God_, she thought._ Oh buggery bollocks, tell me I didn't.  
_  
The previous night's events gradually began to drift back through the grey- fuzzyness, that was the current state of her consciousness. Her and Gilderoy had eaten dinner in a somewhat uncomfortable silence, then had proceeded to both get blind drunk. She only hoped she hadn't done something stupid. She couldn't remember any more than that, but hopefully he would. In fact, perhaps it might be easier if he'd just forgotten the whole thing. She could only hope. She got to her feet after a couple of tries and began to half-heartedly collect up the empty bottles.  
  
"Did we really drink all that just between us?" said Gilderoy in a husky voice that made him sound incredibly sexy. _Stop thinking like that!_ She told herself harshly.  
  
"I'm afraid so," she said, trying to conceal a couple of bottles behind her back. "How are you feeling this morning?"  
  
"Like someone shoved a ruler up my nose and mushed my brain up, then sucked it out of my ear with a straw," he said, sinking onto the sofa she had recently vacated.  
  
"Not great then," she said with a grin.  
  
He looked up and returned her smile with his own dazzling one. She felt her knees going weak and decided she had better appear in control. She picked up one or two bottles and strode purposefully into the kitchen before collapsing against the worktop. _Oh God, how had she never noticed that smile before?  
_  
Well actually, that was quite wrong, as she had indeed noticed it before, but that had been a long time ago. She placed the bottles carefully on the worktop, more to avoid making more noise than to avoid damaging them.  
  
She had to get a grip. Gilderoy was just a moron. A big, stupid moron with a gorgeous smile. No! A moron. There. Good.  
  
She wasn't going to let him get one over on her again, even if he wasn't strictly doing it intentionally this time. That wasn't the point, she was still going to get him back for what he had done back in Hogwarts.  
  
Feeling a little more decisive and in control of herself, she began to make breakfast for the two of them.

-----

Rita and Gilderoy sat at the little table again, apparently enjoying their bacon sandwiches. The Wizard's Wireless was humming contentedly in the background as they awkwardly tried to make conversation. Eventually giving up on this, they sat in silence, calmly listening to the Weird Sister's newest single.  
  
"What did you mean yesterday?" said Rita all of a sudden, breaking the silence, "when you said you didn't do any of it?"  
  
Gilderoy frowned. "The thing is, when I'm told about some things, I get a very hazy sort of recollection. Though I'm never sure if I'm really feeling it, or if I'm just imagining it because I want to remember." He paused and chewed his sandwich thoughtfully for a moment. "But with the books," he said as he turned to the sofas, strewn with books and empty bottles, "I don't get anything. In fact I get the opposite. I feel like I didn't do it." He looked up at her and smiled nervously. "Does that sound crazy?"  
  
She shook her head. "Of course not. Well, maybe a little odd," she acceded, "but certainly not crazy."  
  
He nodded, returning his attention to his breakfast. Rita looked thoughtful. This certainly made things very interesting indeed. 


End file.
